Original air date: December 3, 2009
Writer: Harris Wittels | Director: Troy Miller
Summary: TOM’S GREENCARD MARRIAGE NEARS AN END— After Leslie (Amy Poehler) finds out that Tom (Aziz Ansari) is getting a divorce, the department takes him out on the town to cheer him up. Meanwhile, Andy (Chris Pratt) tries to hustle Mark (Paul Schneider) in a game of pool. Rashida Jones, Nick Offerman, and Aubrey Plaza also star.
Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from December 3-6, viewers gave “Tom’s Divorce” an 8.71/10.
Ratings:
4.834 million viewers | 2.1/6 A18-49 | Source
Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes
Quotes:
Leslie: They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.
Ron: They’ll only talk to you or me. And I can’t go, because I don’t want to.
Leslie: And how are your institutions that you’re a part of?
Tom: Honestly, it’s fine. It lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right?
Leslie: I don’t know what those are.
Leslie: You should’ve auto-saved that. That kinda feels like your fault.
Leslie: I’ve seen you look at her ass when she leaves the room. You love her.
Leslie: I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person’s life. Of course marriage is number seven. So, watch out everyone. It’s all bad.
Leslie: That is the problem. Tom always seems like Mr. Slick Too Cool Guy, but he’s actually hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of Axe body spray.
Ron: This seems like none of our business.
Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don’t be all like, “No. I don’t want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I.”
April: That was a really good Ron.
Leslie: Thank you.
Andy: Hey, Mark. The shoe shine stand still doesn’t have that syphilis medication you were asking about.
Mark: Hey, Andy. What a surprise, uh, running into you all day, every day, every single place that we are.
Andy: Likewise.
Andy: Oh, uh, also, Mark. Again, we don’t have those extra small condoms you ordered. I called the factory, it’s going to take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well. Something they’ve never dealt with before. We’ll talk.
Ron: Damn the man. Well hey your secret’s safe with me.
Tom: Thanks, Ron-doleezza Rice.
Waiter: How do you want that cooked?
Leslie: Medium roar.
Waiter: Medium rare?
Leslie: No. Medium roar.
Waiter: For legal reasons we’re not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats… anymore.
Andy: No, I just figured because, uh, pool’s all about angles and he’s a failed architect that he might want to play pool.
Mark: Let’s do it.
Ann: Really? That worked?
Jerry: I really wish I could have your body.
Tom: What?
April: Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?
Jerry: No, no I mean you’re in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.
Leslie: That was weird, Jerry.
Donna: I love you, Tom. You’re my lil’ prince. Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around.
Andy: Step two. Lose to your opponent intentionally so they gain confidence. Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily, Mark is pretty good at pool.
Tom: I like pretending to be sad. I now see why girls do it.
Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me.
Andy: Mark is way better than me. I’m gonna–I’m gonna say that there is at least — a chance — that I didn’t think this through completely.
Mark: You have nothing else to give me.
Andy: I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It’s literally priceless.
Leslie: What do you want? A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart?
Tom: I’m a short, beautiful government employee slash club promoter.
Amy: You’re a club promoter?
Tom: Aspiring.
Leslie: Now the sadness is pouring out of Tom. Like blood for a pterodactyl after it’s attacked by a T-Rex.
Leslie: We are going to The Glitter Factory.
Tom: What?
Donna: Not me. I can’t go back there. But if you see Jasmine tell her she can keep Anfernee, but I want my microwave back.
April: I want to go to The Glitter Factory.
Leslie: Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.
Leslie: I’m a feminist, OK? I would never ever go to a strip club. I’ve gone on record that if I had to have a stripper’s name, it would be Equality. But I’m willing to sacrifice all that I’ve worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face.
Leslie: OK, lap dances are on me. I mean I’m paying for them. They’re not gonna actually be on me.
Tom: There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She’s really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quiznos.
Leslie: OK, Tom. Go put these in places I do not approve of.
Tom: Leslie, I’m gonna put these in places you’ve never heard of.
Tom: Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce. But now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
Ron: It smells like a wet mop in here.
Ron: Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
Ron: Tom-cat, pull up a mouth. This buffet is unstoppable.
Ron: Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.
Andy: Ann, take a moment to say goodbye.
Andy: I know that legally Ann is now mine, but it weirdly doesn’t feel that way.
Leslie: Alright, Tom. This is Seabiscuit.
Ciara: Ciara.
Leslie: Ciara, sorry it’s loud in here. And, um, I gave her money to writhe around on your parts.
Leslie: Go crazy, OK? Give my friend here the works. Really grind the sorrow out of him.
Tom: This isn’t working. I don’t want to do this.
Leslie: Is it because you have a strong positive female figure watching you?
Leslie: Thank you, Seabiscuit. That will be all.
Leslie: Tom, it’s perfectly normal to feel devastated when something is over. That’s exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.
Leslie: I wish I wasn’t alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.
Leslie: I don’t get men. If they’re not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they’re trying to steal each others’ wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.
Leslie: Could you carry him out of here, please? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife.
Leslie: From the knees!
Ron: He weighs eight pounds.
Leslie: Oh my god. You insensitive little hussy.
Tom: You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning. I feel much better.
Tom: Wendy and I have a greencard marriage.
Leslie: Oh my god, because you’re Libyan.
Tom: No, damn it, Wendy’s from Canada.
Leslie: Oh! Oh, OK. Wait. Start again?
Andy: I thought for a second you were going to chase after me right there but you didn’t.
Leslie: How could there possibly still be glitter on me?
Tom: It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.
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Tags: Harris Wittels, Troy Miller
