Knope Knows

Got a quote that’s Sound Box worthy? Tell me!

March 4, 2010:
Tom Haverford:

This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose room F. When? 3 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

February 11, 2010:
Leslie Knope:

But if you find him and he’s weird, like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer or anyone who pretends toys are people, then abort the mission.

February 4, 2010:
Ron Swanson:

The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.

January 21, 2010:
Ron Swanson:

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn’t want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

January 14, 2010:
Chris:

You’ve got ample room in there. Honestly, if you wanted to. You could go triplets right off the bat, Leslie. You’ve got a big, industrial-sized oven.

December 10, 2009:
Tom Haverford:

There isn’t a woman alive who doesn’t love diamonds. Even the super left wing chicks who saw Blood Diamond and cried. When they get a diamond, they like, “yeah, bitch, get more of them blood diamonds. Make ‘em extra bloody.”

December 3, 2009:
Ron Swanson:

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

November 19, 2009:
Tom Haverford:

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

November 12, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

We lost a lot of good bread that day, as well as several human lives. And it also made the whole town smell like toast, which one resident described as quote, “disturbingly enticing.”

November 5, 2009:
Ron Swanson:

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn’t real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

October 29, 2009:
Ron Swanson:

Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys. And almonds give me the squirts.

October 22, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

How does taking risks make me feel? Amazing. Tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I feel flushed. My muscles are relaxed yet I feel awake. Just waves of pleasure. I wish there was something physical that could make me feel this way.

October 15, 2009:
Donna:

I am not surprised at all. I’ve been to South America. I did very well there.

October 8, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

Can I use your bathroom? Are you impressed that I know what it’s called?

October 1, 2009:
April Ludgate:

This is an impression of my boss, Leslie Knope. “Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen. Hey, everybody, listen up while I talk about some really really important stuff. Parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, Michelle Obama, parks, gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.”

September 24, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

Shovel guitar. Shovel guitar. Somebody wants to play a shovel guitar.

September 24, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.

September 17, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

People in this town don’t really like their government employees being activists. Last year a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Livestrong bracelet.

May 14, 2009:
Tom Haverford:

He’s 6, but he has Benjamin Button disease.

May 7, 2009:
Ann Perkins:

Am I the only f-cking person here who doesn’t know Janine Restrepo?

April 30, 2009:
Ron Swanson:

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of I.Q. test, and maybe also a physical tournament. Like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe. When he desires them.

April 23, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

I was doing an interview at the pit and it was going really well. In fact, it was going perfect. But I decided to leave in the middle of it because I figured I had nailed it. So why push it, right?

April 16, 2009:
Leslie Knope:

You know, in Russia they could pretend that pit was a park. Bring their kids down there. “Hey, Vlad. Look at these rocks. Let’s pretend they’re potatoes.” “Nicolae, do you want to swim in the dirt?” But not here, because we’re a nation of dreamers.

April 9, 2009:
Leslie Knope, on public forums:

What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

April 1, 2009:
Amy Poehler, on what she’ll do if Parks and Recreation doesn’t work out as planned:

I’m going to take all my money out and invest it in gold. Then melt that gold down and build a gold hotel. Then have people stay in the hotel, paying only in gold. And then light the whole thing on fire, melt it again and start from scratch.