Original air date: November 5, 2009
Writer: Mike Scully | Director: Troy Miller
Summary: THE WAR OF THE EXES—MEGAN MULLALLY (“WILL & GRACE”) GUEST STARS—Leslie (Amy Poehler) is upset when she learns the library department wants to take over her lot. Making matters worse, the library is run by Ron’s (Nick Offerman) ex-wife Tammy (played by Offerman’s real-life wife Megan Mullally), who still has a powerful emotional hold on him. Meanwhile, Andy (Chris Pratt) gets a job in hopes of winning Ann (Rashida Jones) back. Aziz Ansari and Aubrey Plaza also star.
Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from November 5-8, viewers gave “Ron and Tammy” a 9.58/10.
Ratings:
4.91 million viewers | 2.2/6 A18-49 | Source
Videos:
Promos | Previews | Deleted Scenes | Highlights
Quotes:
Old Gus: Well I’ve been listening to your boring speeches for the last 50 years. And now it’s time for you to listen to one of mine. You know a day like this makes a man reflect upon his life. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve completely wasted mine. And just for the record, I never ever liked being called “Old Gus.” I didn’t understand it when I was in my 20s and I sure hate it now. So go to hell every single one of ya. Screw Pawnee, and screw your damn shoes!
Andy (laughing): Oh, Gus. That’s classic.
Leslie: April, stop that. Who are you texting?
April: You.
Leslie: Aww, she’s texting me… I’m sorry you’re bored.
Tom: OK, would you rather be able to fly or speak fluent French? Donna, go.
Donna: French.
Leslie: Pawnee’s library department is the most diabolical ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy… and shushing.
Tom: Punk ass book jockies.
Leslie: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They’re mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous.
Leslie: Ron’s ex-wife? That’s terrific. Or is that awful? I mean he hates her, but he knows her. Everything’s OK, or is it just the same?
Tom: Leslie, you’re thinking out loud again.
Leslie: Am I? I am.
Leslie: Does she have any weaknesses?
Ron: No.
Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
Leslie: I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy, so I was hoping that there was one you got along with and–
Ron: Nope. Hate ‘em both.
Ron: On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.
Leslie: And in case something bad goes down I wore my sharpest rings. This one’ll tear you up.
Tammy: You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars, missy.
Leslie: That is so typical. I should have known you’d use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That’s why everybody hates the library. Here, you know what? Here’s your three dollars. And I’ll see you in hell.
Leslie: I know this is a trap but I don’t know how.
Andy: Ma’am? Shoeshine? I won’t look up your skirt.
Andy: Yeah, just joined the rat race. Just chasing the cheese. Racing the rats. Trying to get the cheese. Enough technical business talk, you look ravishing.
Ann: At least he finally has a real job. When we were dating the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or No Deal.
Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with state-of-the-art swing set and basketball courts and off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
Tammy: Wow. If I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn’t have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.
Leslie: Well, that’s–that’s the goal, Tammy.
Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare in the eye of Satan’s butt hole?
Ron: Look, Tammy and I don’t work. We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C4 and a detonator and a butane torch.
Ron: Wait. She’s here, isn’t she?
Tom: Yeah, and you just opened the gates… to crazytown.
Tammy: It’s really good to see you, Ron.
Ron: You’ve aged horribly.
Leslie: When you meddle in someone’s personal life it’s just so… rewarding.
Ron: Good morning, Jerry. That is a beautiful sweater vest.
Tom: When Tiger Woods feels invincible he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he’s had sex.
Ron: I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn’t real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.
Tom: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
Leslie: So what did you guys talk about? Old times? Oh, I love talking about old times. New times are great too, but there’s just something about old times. You know what I mean?
Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
Leslie: I truly believe that everyone should be friends with their exes. I can’t even tell you how many of my exes’ weddings I’ve been to.
Tammy: Three fistfuls of hair? That’s not even possible.
Leslie: Well, I’m too classy to say I told you so, Donna. So I wrote it, on a post-it.
Ron: No. I swear, on, a grave.
Tammy: Leslie, that’s crazy! And correct.
Leslie: What kind of lunatic would want to be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?
Leslie: Yeah, you better run. We’re no longer government gals.
Leslie: Are you even listening to yourself? You’re defending the library now? Ron, the library. Of all the horrifying miserable things in the world.
Leslie: Why don’t you just break up with her?
Ron: I don’t think I can. We would just end up naked.
Leslie: Oh, god, Ron. I don’t want to hear about your disgusting sex anymore.
Leslie: Now sack up. You are Ron freakin’ Swanson.
Ron: “It’s just coffee, Ron.” “She’s changed, Ron.” “I let Mark nail me and we’re still friends.”
Leslie: OK, I would never use those words. I never said–point taken.
Andy: I’m on a break. One of the many advantages of owning your own business.
Donna: I’m not sure. Why don’t you spin around for me.
Ron cowering
Leslie: See? He’s completely over you.
Mark: Is punching allowed on the high road?
Tammy: Oh. You want Ron. That’s what this is all about.
Leslie: No. That’s insane. Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
Tammy: Baby, don’t you see what’s happening here? She’s manipulating you because she’s jealous of me and the things I get to do to your body and face.
Ron: Look, just wait for me downstairs. If I’m not down in five minutes, it’s only because I’m receiving a pleasure so intense–
Leslie: Oh my god.
Ann: What the hell are you doing? Andy and Ann’s family shoeshine?
Andy: Yeah, I thought it had a nice ring to it.
Ann: Give me the bikini one.
Andy: The teeny one?
Ann: Bikini one.
Leslie: You didn’t kill Tammy, did you?
Ron: I’m afraid she can’t be killed.
Ron: To exes. May they always stay that way.
Ron: Tammy is a mean person.
Leslie: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
Ron: She’s a grade-A bitch.
Leslie: There we go.
Ron: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
Leslie: She works for the library.
Ron: She works for the library.
