Original air date: October 8, 2009
Writer: Harris Wittels | Director: Alex Hardcastle
Summary: LESLIE PRACTICES FOR HER FIRST DATE WITH DAVE– LOUIS C.K. (”LUCKY LOUIE”) GUEST STARS– Leslie (Amy Poehler) is nervous about her first date with Dave (guest star Louis C.K.), so Ann (Rashida Jones) takes her on a practice date to help her prepare. Meanwhile, after a local councilman is caught up in a sex scandal, Tom (Aziz Ansari), Ron (Nick Offerman), April (Aubrey Plaza) and Mark (Paul Schneider) decide to see who can uncover the worst dirt on each other.
Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from October 8-11, viewers gave “The Practice Date” a 9.22/10.
Ratings:
4.746 million viewers | 2.1/6 A18-49 | Source
Videos:
Deleted Scenes
Quotes:
Bill Dexhart: And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is, I wasn’t just having sex. I was making love… to a beautiful woman. And her boyfriend. And a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echos. And the humidity.
Donna: Mmm hmm.
Bill Dexhart: In my defense, it was my birthday. And I really wanted to do it.
Leslie: Personally all I care about is Councilman Dexhart’s policies. Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex. Which, by the way, I heard he was.
Perd Hapley: It turns out Councilman Dexhart may have also had sex with a prostitute in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference where he apologized for having an affair.
Mark: Tom, you’re married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah, but I’ve never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil just don’t enter the cave. Am I right? Up top.
Jerry: No seriously, I really don’t want to play.
Tom: No, no seriously you are playing and we’re gonna nail you.
April: I love games that turn people against each other.
Donna: You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry’s Facebook.
April: A friend. Buuuuuuuuurn.
Dave: He’s probably gonna go anger pee in the courtyard.
Leslie: Tomorrow will be our first official — first date.
Dave: Roger that.
Leslie: Copy. Over and out.
Leslie: Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow. I’m not nervous. Why should I be nervous? We’re just two people going on a first date. There’s nothing to be nervous about. (throws phone)
Ann: My taxes pay your salary, right?
Leslie: Do you have like a first-date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don’t know, a pair of cargo pants?
Ann: Yeah I wouldn’t go with the cargo pant.
Leslie: What about like a sexy hat?
Ann: I don’t even know what that is.
Leslie: Helping already.
Ron: Taliban robes!
Tom: Those aren’t Taliban robes. That’s from Halloween 10 years ago. I was dressed like a Jedi.
Tom: That’s right. Ron has two ex-wives. Each… named… Tammy.
Ron: Both of them bitches.
Ron: Tom, that was a Jager secret. You just breached a Jager secret.
Ann: Will you be wearing it out of the store today?
Leslie: (in British accent) I think I will good lady.
Leslie: The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids, right?
Ann: Whoa.
Leslie: What if I get drunk and talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don’t bring up Darfur enough?
Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly. What if instead of tic tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won’t happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
Leslie: Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
Leslie: I know what you’re thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something, Ann, it never works.
Leslie: Let’s begin our conversation.
Ann: What’s on the note cards?
Leslie: They’re possible topics of conversation.
Ann: Whales. Parades. Electricity. And the rest are blank.
Leslie: Yeah, well I couldn’t think of anything else.
Ann: Is she practice laughing?
Ann: Wow. That’s a thorough history of the teeter totter.
Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
Leslie: How big is it?
Ann: Really?
Leslie: Oh my god.
Tom: (to Donna) Boom! How does it feel to lose so hard?
Tom: (to Wendy) You’re super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it.
Ron: I’ve established a scientifically perfect 10-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.
Ann: You’re 20 minutes late. I almost left.
Leslie: Well, I was, dropping my niece off.
Ann: What’s your niece’s name?
Leslie: Torple. What? I don’t know. That’s not a name. I don’t have a niece. My niece’s name is Stephanie?
Leslie: Oh, no. I got flowers in your soup.
Leslie: I have to go to the whiz palace.
Leslie: It’s a bathroom. It’s called a bathroom.
Jerry: Hey, Mark. A little birdie told me that you have an unpaid parking ticket.
Mark: Well that’s funny because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Jerry: What?
Mark: You didn’t know that, huh?
Jerry: I didn’t know I was adopted.
Tom: It’s not your fault. He totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket.
Ron: Tom-mato sauce.
Tom: Ron-tanamo bay.
Tom: Fine. You bested me. Is that all?
Ron: No. I’ll have your wife tonight.
Tom: Mark. You hate Ron, right?
Mark: No, I think Ron is fine.
Tom: So we’re on the same page.
Tom: I’m gonna dig up so many worms on this guy, there’s gonna be worms all over the place. It sounded snappier in my head.
Leslie: Ann is so awesome. I’m lucky to have a friend who would spend a whole day being so mean to me.
Leslie: And you are too. You are too. You are too, Ann!
Leslie: Look, I know today, is, today. And it’s not tomorrow. But I felt like you should know that I’m awesome and you’re lucky to have me. And, um, I think our first date tomorrow is going to go awesome. Off the charts. Amazing, up top. Alright, let’s do this bitch!
Leslie: You make a better door than a guy.
Ron: Now relax. And let the Duke Silver Trio take you on a little journey… to yourself.
Leslie: I can’t even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you. I mean, you should be scared of me.
Dave: OK.
Leslie: I think it’s going pretty well with Dave. He wants me. I can totally tell that he wants me.
Dave: I’m right here. You know I’m here, right?
Leslie: Can I use your bathroom? Are you impressed that I know what it’s called?
Dave: Maybe I outta give you a lift home.
Leslie: Oh, good, well in London they call elevators lifts so you’re gonna give me an elevator home? No thank you.
Leslie: (in British accent) Let’s go down to the pub, get a pint. We’ll put our knickers in the Beatles records. This is an English accent.
Ann: Hey. Can I help you at, uh, 11:48 p.m.?
Ann: One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight to brag about getting laid when he was 16 so I shot him.
Mark: Goodnight.
Ron: It’s been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight.
Tom: Duke! Huge fan.
Tom: Say “I bested you”.
Tom: You showed up at the guy’s house, in the middle of the night, drunk, and you didn’t even sleep with him?
Leslie: Should I have?
Tom: It never hurts.
Leslie: God.
Dave: You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night. Purse and earrings… and a shoe?
Dave: You like dancin’?
Leslie: Yeah!
Dave: I don’t like dancin’.
Leslie: We don’t have to go.
Leslie: Well, we went on our first date, and I didn’t even know it. Aka I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances. Just good ol’ fashioned showing up drunk at a guy’s house late at night.
April: Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one’s found any dirt on me yet? Hello? I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom. There’s video that I took. It’s on the Internet. Nothing.
Tom: Jerry. Plastic surgery?
Jerry: I got hit by a fire engine.
April: You are so lucky.
Jerry: How?
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Tags: Alex Hardcastle, Harris Wittels
