Writer: Daniel J. Goor | Director: Jason Woliner

Summary: PAWNEE SHUTS DOWN — ADAM SCOTT (”PARTY DOWN”) AND ROB LOWE (”BROTHERS AND SISTERS”) GUEST STAR–When Ben (guest star Adam Scott) prevents Leslie (Amy Poehler) from holding a children’s concert, she takes matters into her own hands. Mark (Paul Schneider) makes some big decisions about his life, and Andy (Chris Pratt) gets some unexpected romantic attention. Rashida Jones, Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, and Aubrey Plaza also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from May 20-23, viewers gave “Freddy Spaghetti” a 9.33/10.

Video:
Promos | Highlights

Other:
Photos

Knope Knows Q&A:
Dan Goor

Quotes:
Andy: How long is it going to last?
Ron: If we’re lucky this building will be empty for months.

Andy: Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying like 12 percent interest. That’s like one of the highest you can get.

Leslie: No one is more upset about this than I am. Not like it’s a competition or anything. ‘Cause if it was, I would win, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is I would win.

Resident: With the government shut down, who’s going to stop Al Qaeda?

Resident #2: School is out in two weeks. What am I going to do with my kids all day? Keep them in my house? Where I live?

Leslie: I’m very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still, kind of, yeah?

Leslie: You’re wrong. Are you crazy? Can you put a price tag on a child’s smile?

Ben: The government has been shut down for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?

Chris: I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That’s 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

Ben: Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.

Leslie: That is not your call.
Ben: I know, it’s on your badge.

Chris: Ann Perkins!
Ann: Chris… something.

Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Chris: I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met.

Ann: Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I’m a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.

Mark: You know, not everyone has your enthusiasm for this work.
Leslie: You know, I guess I’ve been mispronouncing your name all these years, Mark Brendana-quits.

Mark: Recently I have been thinking about maybe leaving this job, but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down and yesterday one of those pigeons took an [expletive] on me. And I was indoors, so…

Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy’s here, I’m in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You’re about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee” be playing right now.

Leslie: Don’t make it last very long. Ladies don’t like that.

Leslie: Less man time, more Ann time.

Leslie: The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun. Freddy Spaghetti.

Leslie: Pawnee’s kids are less important than poop tubes.

Ann: Do you think anybody’s going to show up?
Leslie: A) Yes. B) Even if they don’t, we’ll just put the concert on ourselves. But C) Yes, yes. They’re definitely going to show up. Although D) Maybe not.

Leslie: April’s here. Move, Jerry.

Ben: We need to cut expenditures by 32 percent.
Ron: Let’s make it an even 40.

Ron: I’m an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Ron: Right off the bat, we sell city hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a TJ Maxx.

Leslie: Can you go pick up Freddy Spaghetti in your Mercedes? We need to give him the star treatment.

Tom: Sorry we’re late. I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.

Tom: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don’t have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Chris: I know what’ll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you’re thinking. It’s not that I want a massage; I’ll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

Ron: Sell the zoo animals.
Ben: OK, to whom?
Ron: Cosmetics labs, weird restaurants. I’m just spitballin’ here.

Andy: Reverse psychiatry.

Ben: Every department’s losing a Leslie Knope.
Ron: No, Ben. They are not. No other department has one to begin with. Right now, she’s single-handedly putting up some lousy concert for this city’s kids.

Leslie: I wish we would have built one of those elevators that comes up from under the stage, you know?

Ron: I accidentally told them what you’re doing in an attempt to save some government jobs. It’s been a very strange day for me.

Leslie: Freddy Spaghetti may not sing. But, something much cooler is going to happen. I think.

Donna: When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton. At a library.
Tom: That’s literally the worst place I could imagine.

Ann: You have two broken bones in your right arm, and four in your hand.
Andy: That’s the side that hurts.

Andy: Is there any chance you could fix me in the next 10 minutes.
Dr. Harris: Sure. I’ll just advance medical science 30 years.
Andy: Great.

Leslie: Can Mouse Rat play without you?
Andy: They tried once. They’re called Rat Mouse and they’re awful.

Andy: There’s an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Leslie: Hello, Pawnee. I’m Rinatta Ricotta. Freddy Spaghetti couldn’t make it today. He bumped his noodle. There was sauce everywhere. It was just streaming out of his face. It was really scary.

Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Hi.
Ron: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron: Well done, Tommy.

Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron: They call it a Swanson.

April: That was nice.

Andy: Here’s just one thing real quick. I want to be totally honest with you because I like you so much, but like two minutes ago me and Ann did kiss.

Andy: Dude, don’t even think about kissing me.

Leslie: And what was your favorite song, Chelsea?
Chelsea: “Penne and the Jets.”

Lucy: Is this an autographed picture of Jamie Foxx?
Tom: Oh, there it is. Thank god.

Tom: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods. … Oh god.
Lucy: What? Who is that?
Tom: That is my ex-wife.

Writer: Michael Schur | Director: Dean Holland

Summary: LESLIE’S MASTER PLAN IS SCUTTLED – ADAM SCOTT (”PARTY DOWN”) AND ROB LOWE (”BROTHERS AND SISTERS”) STAR – Leslie (Amy Poehler) is disappointed when her new park plans are put on hold by a visit from two state auditors (guest stars Adam Scott and Rob Lowe). April (Aubrey Plaza) has plans for Andy (Chris Pratt) at her birthday party, and Ann (Rashida Jones) tries to piece together a romantic mystery. Paul Schneider, Aziz Ansari and Nick Offerman also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from May 13-16, viewers gave “The Master Plan” a 9.39/10.

Ratings:
4.284 million viewers | 2.0/6 A18-49 | Source

Video:
Promos | Interviews | Clips | Highlights

Quotes:
Tom: Do not miss tonight’s April Ludgate birthday bash. 9 o’clock p.m. At the world famous Snakehole Lounge. The place the Pawnee Journal has called, “The sexiest, most dangerous club in town.”
Leslie: That’s not what they wrote.
Tom: Fine. I added the word sexiest. But, we’ve hired better security.

Tom: Call me a romantic, but I believe by the end of the night I will have between one and four new girlfriends.

April: Yes, I am 21 years old today, which is the age that pretty much everyone agrees makes you an adult.

Leslie: The yearly budget and planning proposal for our city is called The Master Plan. Isn’t that just so awesome you can’t stand it? I shall now reveal to you my master plan! Muahahahah ee ahahahah. Ugh, kind of sounded like a chimp there in the end.

Paul: We are postponing all planning and spending decisions indefinitely.
Leslie: Um, until when?
Paul: Indefinitely.
Leslie: And when will that end?
Paul: Later than now.
Leslie: So this week, probably?

Leslie: Yeah, you’re right. I’m not going to fight them–except that I am!

Ron: Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry?
Leslie: We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and we think of warm brownies.

Andy: Tom says it’s OK. That probably means it isn’t OK.

Mark: Man, I should have yelled at you way more.

Leslie: Jerry, we don’t know that. Maybe these people are very helpful and pleasant and–aah! Death!

Leslie: Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I’ve ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him and it was like staring into the sun.

Ron: What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?

Leslie: Well, but Chris said that you just had to, you know, tinker with things.
Ben: Yeah he said that because that sounds a lot better than, “We’re going to gut it with a machete.”
[Ron squeals]

Ben: This building has feelings?

Ron: What’s a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

Tom: Ladies. Is there anything you desire at all? Besides me?

Ann: Let me ask you something. I’m hot.
Andy: Is that a question?

Ann: I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now he’s an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That’s [expletive].

Tom: I’m reading this, and I’m like, how could they hurt those gorillas like that? They’re such gentle, magnificent creatures. You know, I’m an animal lover, I don’t know.

Tom: Classic game. Plant the seed; harvest like a half hour later.

Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.
April: That’s so cute.
Jean-Ralphio: Yeah, super cute.

Tom: Who the [expletive] did I give a bottle cap to?

Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let’s get out of here.
April: It’s my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

Leslie: You know what’s thirsty? You know what’s weird? How thirsty I get when I’m weird. When I’m drunk.

Leslie: Wow, you have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh yeah, would you like a vitamin? B12? Evening Primrose Oil? Willa Bar? Magnesium?
Leslie: No thank you.
Chris: Sure? They’re good for hangovers.
Leslie: OK, I’ll take one.

Chris: Scientists believe that the first human being to live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Leslie: I’m here to speak to Ben, actually.
Chris: Great, I’m going to listen to some ocean sounds and do some chin-ups.

Chris: Don’t keep him too long. I need someone to be here when I take a multivitamin. It’s a choking hazard.

Andy: This is going to be so fun, the day until I finally reveal that we did not make out. Oh, [expletive]! Damn it!

Lucy: Ten cosmos. Eight Smirnoff Ices. And everything else starts with the word pomegranate. Aw, was it your bachelorette party?

Tom: The problem is I only have 15 penises, so, there would have been 28 girls who are really upset with me.

Ben: When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town and won. Little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion I guess. Here’s the thing, though, about 18 year olds. They’re idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground and after two months got impeached. Worst part was my parents grounded me.

Leslie: What was that song you played at the swearing in ceremony?
Ben: “Whoop, There It Is.”
Leslie: Yes. God, I was so jealous of you.

Leslie: Oh, no. Please, Mr. Mayor. Let me. Whoop, there it is!

Ann: Hey, Ron. Did we make out last night?
Ron: Good god, woman. No.

Chris: I’d love to chat with you. Can I call you?
Ann: You have my phone number?
Chris: No, you couldn’t remember your phone number. But you gave me your phone.

Leslie: I’m sorry, I just started hearing really loud circus music in my head. What did you say?

Writer: Amy Poehler | Director: Troy Miller

Summary: LESLIE HOSTS A TELETHON – Leslie (Amy Poehler) hosts a late-night shift for a local telethon, and lands former Indiana Pacer Detlef Schrempf as a celebrity guest. Meanwhile, Mark (Paul Schneider) has big plans for his relationship with Ann (Rashida Jones). Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, Chris Pratt and Aubrey Plaza also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from May 6-9, viewers gave “Telethon” an 8.80/10.

Ratings:
4.030 million viewers | 1.9/6 A18-49 | Source

Video:
Deleted Scenes | Highlights | “Sex Hair” Music Video

Other:
Photos | Design Mouse Rat’s Next Album Cover

Quotes:
Andy: I wish he had tiny puppy shoes. I would totally shine his little shoes for free. I do say the cutest stuff.

Ron: Andy, take him outside.
Andy: And shoot him?

Tom: Come on, Ron. I’m just a little puppy. I ain’t done nothing wrong. I’m just a puppy. Hmm, I like your mustache. I wish I could have one. But I can’t, because I’m just a little puppy. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Ron: OK, take him out and shoot him.

Leslie: Fire! Fire! Fire!
Ron: What? Where?
Leslie: In my belly.

Leslie: And it’s important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.

Jerry: No, Leslie. Please. Tonight’s kind of a big night. You know, all my kids are away…
Tom: Gross! No! That’s Jerry’s sex night. That ruins sex and tonight.

Tom: You stayed up the night before an all-night telethon.

Leslie: Yeah, four hours to come up with the slogan; four hours to embroider them.

Leslie: Salad sucks. There, I said it.
Mark: Feel better?
Leslie: Yep.

Leslie: Horseback. You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She’s in the balloon; you ride up on horseback. You point to the sky. Up there, skywriting. Marry me, Ann.

Leslie: Can you get five eagles? No, get 10 eagles!
Mark: Leslie–
Leslie: No, you’re right. It’s your life. Give her as many eagles as you want.

Tom: I can’t make it to the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there.

Leslie: You’re never going to believe who I got. People are going to freak out.
Tom: Rihanna.
Leslie: No.
Tom: Dr. Oz.
Leslie: Nope, you’re never going to ask.
Tom: Justin Bieber.
Leslie: No. Ex-Indiana Pacer. Small forward Detlef Schrempf.
Tom: THE Detlef Schrempf?

Tom: Does Pawnee Cable Access even have hair and makeup?
Leslie: Well, they have a communal lipstick in a box of combs.

Ann: As a nurse and as your friend, I highly suggest you don’t try to stay up for the next 24 hours.
Leslie: I can definitely do it. I’ve already been up for 24 hours.

Leslie: My nana, she used to say the best stuff. No work yourself into a lather. Look where it is and you’ll find it. Don’t put me in a home. Tell the truth and shame the devil. The devil knows where you’re hiding. If you take enough rides with the devil pretty soon he’s going to drive. She was really into the devil.

Ron: I have to nap up. If I don’t get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Tom: Got enough leg room back there?
Detlef: Yeah, you don’t have to sit so far up.
Tom: Yeah, I do.

Tom: Everybody knows that. Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes of the German soap opera Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten.
Detlef: Why, you a big fan of that show?
Tom: Huge fan.

Tom: I’m fix six and three-quarters.

Jerry: Everyone else has one line.

Leslie: Yeah, it’s exciting–
Joan: Cut the chatter. Telehosting? Not as easy as it looks, OK? This isn’t C-SPAN. This is Local Access 46.

Martin: I am not a crook.
Joan: No, he’s not.

Joan: Diabetes. Yuck. Tonight we’re hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets and donate generously.

Martin: Coming up, a very special video presentation called Even My Tongue is Fat: The Story of Pawnee.

Leslie: Clipboard mouth. Clipboard mouth.

Leslie: It’s Tom. He may have a Schrempf problem. You understand though, right?

Leslie: So how are things going with you two?
April: They’re going really well. We’re gonna get married and I’m pregnant with his child.

Andy: You got sex hair, and you got it from me, girl.

Donna: Oh, I called him. He’s in Liberia visiting my uncle, wants to know what happened on Lost.

Tom: The ultimate celebrity I think to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel. Like you’d be talking to him and then he would just turn into fire. [laughs]

Tom: Brooks Brothers Boys, it’s like the cuts are slimmer, and it’s cheaper. Win win.

Tom: You ever talking to someone and it’s like, “Oh, we’re gonna be best friends. I’m getting that like right now.

Detlef: He had two beers. Light beers.

Tom: I need you to make that out to Wendy. Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistake in your life and you’re probably going to die alone. Love, Detlef.

Tom: We will definitely go to the telethon soon. After this song!

Ron: I suffer from a disorder called Sleep Fighting.
Leslie: Wow, must be terrible.
Ron: Only when I’m losing.

Ron: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

Guitarist: OK, that was the National Anthem of Canada. And now I’m going to see how long I can hold a D chord.

Leslie: God, it’s real. Go up there and do that.
Jerry: You broke my egg.
Leslie: You don’t have a second egg?

Ron: Over. Under. And, you guessed it, over.

April: God, he’s actually losing money.

Ron: This chair is almost caning itself.

Barney: The only thing that’s taxing is deciding which software to buy.

Leslie: What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike? No time to train one.

Mark: You ever seen this man sleep? It’s like underwater ballet.

Leslie: Don’t you remember when Ahmad Reshad proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV?
Mark: No.
Leslie: I do. And most women do.

Leslie: We talked about it being something big. And I don’t think we can get a hot air balloon this time of night.

Leslie: Was she on the Titanic?
Mark: No, she was just my grandma.

Barney: And that concludes a quick look at Quick Book-s Pro.
Andy: [laughs] Quick Book-s.

Leslie: Or get your tissues out if you’re like me and think handkerchiefs are gross.

Leslie: For now, please let’s take a look at this moving video entitled One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of American.

Ann: He doesn’t know what he’s ready for, but I think I do.
Leslie: Guess you’re just going to have to marry him and figure it out.

Leslie: Hey, Mark. It’s Leslie. Change of plans. Can you call me back? Tom, get here. Call me. Bye. Hey, Leslie. It’s Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

Joe: I work for the sewage department. I’m up to my waste in hot snatch.

Leslie: OK, heads. Oh, boy. What is going to happen next?

Leslie: My second favorite episode… Monica’s making dinner. And Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So Joey says, “Get in the box.” I forgot to tell you. There’s a box. Oh, and it’s Thanksgiving day so they get ready to eat — what does Ross and Rachel do? Oh, they’re fighting — so Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are all together. Although is Phoebe there? Yes, so…

Leslie: Alright, OK, enough of that racket.

Leslie: Everybody’s going to pull their pants down for diabetes.

Joan: Just love flashing ass, don’t you?

Tom: Tell ‘em what they won, son.

Mark: So that’s why you pulled your pants down.
Leslie: Yeah. Wait, what did I do?

Perd Hapley: And the story of this next dance is that it’s called The Worm.

Ron: What the [expletive] are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Leslie: I just got to tell you I’m a little tired, so I may have parked on your front lawn.

Ann: I love her so much, but I think I’m going to draw a mustache on her face.

Writer: Harris Wittels | Director: Tristram Shapeero

Summary: RON FACES THE NIGHTMARE OF HAVING TO DO HIS JOB-Ron (Nick Offerman) is furious when April (Aubrey Plaza) mistakenly schedules a ton of meetings for him. Meanwhile, Leslie (Amy Poehler) fights to preserve a historical landmark. Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider, Aziz Ansari and Chris Pratt also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from April 29 to May 2, viewers gave “94 Meetings” an 8.82/10.

Ratings:
4.030 million viewers | 1.9/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights

Other:
April’s Meeting Calendar | Turnbill Mansion Portrait Scramble

Knope Knows Q&A:
Harris Wittels

Quotes:
Mark: Leslie, can I run something by you really quick?
Leslie: Sure, I love having things run by me.
Mark: I feel like you’re being sarcastic right now.
Leslie: No, no. I’m not. I genuinely love it. Run it by me. Go ahead. Go, go, go.

Leslie: For realskies?

Leslie: If I could just sum it up in one word, it would be, um [sounds surprised, then exhales breath].

April: Thirty days has September, April, March and November.
Ron: June and November.

Ron: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmare-ish hellscape. However to Leslie Knope–
Leslie: Oh how fun!
April: Yay.

Leslie: OK, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy fur-lined boots.
Tom: I’m going to need those boots back by the end of the day.
Leslie: Yeah, no problem. They’re actually a little narrow for me.

Leslie: In 1867, the progressive Rev. Turnbill officiated a wedding between a white woman and a Wamapoke Indian chief. The secret ceremony was beautiful and romantic. But then word got out and the reception was a bloodbath. Fortunately there were two survivors. Unfortunately they were both horses.

Tom: Hold up. Former beauty queen Jessica Wicks?
Bill: Yes.
Tom: I’m Tom Haverford. I’m going to be running point on this, Bill.

Leslie: I’m sorry, Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all-time city hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency. Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.

Leslie: Thanks for the coffee.
Ann: That’s also for Mark.
Leslie: I really need it though. But next time more sugar, OK? Thanks, bye!

April: Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion.

Ron: Round up whoever’s free. I’m going to need more Ron Swansons.

Tom: Pre-zit. Do you have any brown concealer by any chance? I need to look good for Jessica.

Tom: I just need to spend a minute in my cologne cloud.

Leslie: What is that?
Tom: Attack by Dennis Feinstein. When you want to attack the senses of the lady you want to bed.

Tom: Door, door, door, door. Close it.

Ron: I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
Jerry: Ron, do you need help with anything?
Ron: No, we’re good. Thanks. In fact, you can head home early.

Ron: Just make ‘em feel like they’ve been heard. Understood?
Andy: Yes, sir. Burt Macklin. FBI. On the case.

Ron: Just sit there and don’t ruin the city.

Ron: What are you doing?
Andy: Can I get a badge?

Andy: Thanks, dude.
April: No problem, lady.

Andy: April is the best, but she’s 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don’t know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.

Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica Wicks, Miss Pawnee 1994.
Leslie: Hello, yes, we’ve met before. We were both judges at the pageant last year.
Jessica: Leslie Norp, of course. How are you?

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse? ‘Cause you look barely legal.

Nick Newport Sr.: Are you a Chinese?

Tom: Yeah, Jessica’s a gold digger. But I’m a gold digger, digger.

Jessica: I was doing a ribbon cutting at the hospital, and he was there because his blood doesn’t work. We started talking, and then I realized who he was. Oh my gosh it was love at first site.

Jessica: Where I come from, there’s a saying: “What’s done is done.”
Leslie: That’s a saying everywhere.
Tom: I’ve never heard it before and I think it’s a great saying.

Jessica: You little devil. I should just pay you to follow me around.
Tom: If that’s a job offer, I accept.

Leslie: History is important. You just can’t go around changing everything all the time. Or else next thing you know they’ll be painting the White House not white. I’m so angry I can’t think of another color. [pause] Green.

Resident #1: So your department banned me from attending games just because I yell “you suck” at the players.
Ron: According to the complaint, you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.
Resident #1: Who suck! Why is that so hard to understand!

Resident #2: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
April: I’m afraid that Ron Swanson’s currently dead.
Resident #2: Oh.
April: I’m his daughter, April Swanson. And it’s his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

Resident #3: I represent the ultimate Frisbee league and–
Andy: Pawnee has an ultimate league?
Resident #3: Yes, and we keep running into conflicts with the–
Andy: You won me over. I will join your team.
Resident #3: Um, I’m sorry. What we need–
Andy: When does practice start? And do you provide the jerseys? What color are the jerseys by the way? What’s our team name? Are we the lightning?

Ann: I don’t actually work in the parks department. I’m a nurse.
Resident #4: Seriously? That’s great news. I have the weirdest thing on my arm. Can you see this?
Ann: Every time.

Leslie: A hundred and fifty years ago an interracial couple was married here and then slaughtered by their own families. It’s one of the most beautiful stories in Pawnee’s history. Why are you trying to destroy it?

Leslie: I am not a stick in the mud. I just want to stop a party from happening.

Leslie: Ron, I have a gazebo update, so ignore all my previous voicemails and e-mails.

Leslie: Councilman Howser, nice to see you again. Not that I saw anything, other than your face. And I would like to talk to you about this gazebo thing.

Councilman Howser: Ms. Knope.
Leslie: Councilman Howser! I saw your penis.

April: This gridlock dries me nuts.
Resident #5: Tell me about it.
April: Yeah I think you’re gonna have to make an end run, you know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
Resident #5: You know what, I hadn’t thought of that. That is a really good idea.
April: Yeah?
Resident #5: I’m going to do that.
April: OK. Your last resort is probably going to be city council.
Resident #5: Good luck there!
April: My thoughts exactly.
[later]
April: I have no idea what I was saying.

Ron: Kindly get your groin off my desk.

Ron: How are we doing?
Andy: Pretty good. I may have promised a new aquatic center to somebody. Is that a problem?
Ann: I diagnosed two melanomas. They’re both benign.

Ron: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Leslie: I need you to get this word for word.
Shauna: It’s a tape recorder, so it will.
Leslie: Gazebo. More like gazoinks-bo. She may be a former beauty queen, but today she’s the king of destroying history.
Shauna: OK, could you just maybe talk normally?
Leslie: OK fine. Gazoinks-bo. Jessica Wicks is throwing a birthday party for her husband, Nick Newport Sr. at the Turnbill Mansion tonight.

Leslie: Tom! Stop it! Jump in front of it! Sacrifice your tiny body!

Leslie: I really thought that gate would open in the middle.

Leslie: Well nothing’s bruised by my ego. And my arm, a little, from the mechanized gate.

Tom: No offense, but I think the normal grieving time for gazebo destruction has passed.

Tom: I should be the one that’s upset. It’s supposed to be me and Ann. Or me and Jessica. Or Ann and Jessica with me watching.

Leslie: Every time a couple gets married, two single people die.

Partygoer: Is that gate lady?

Leslie: I know you’re probably thinking, “There’s that crazy gate lady from outside back again.” And to some extent, you’re right. I am the gate lady. But the only thing I’m crazy about is leaving the past behind.

Leslie: May all your future gazebos live long and prosper.

Leslie: Is it weird if I ask to take a piece of cake with me?

Ron: Bye, Zu-Zu.
April: Bye, Duke Silver.

April: My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.

April: How about June 50th?
Resident #6: Sorry?
April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He’s available then.
Resident #6: What is going on?
April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember oneteenth. Does that work, sir?

Writer: Katie Dippold | Director: Ken Whittingham

Summary: LESLIE SEEKS INSPIRATION FROM THE PAST-Preparing the Summer Events Catalog, Leslie (Amy Poehler) decides to take Ron (Nick Offerman) and the past directors of the Parks Department out for a picnic lunch. Tom (Aziz Ansari) enlists the help of Ann (Rashida Jones) and Mark (Paul Schneider) to pose for the cover photo. Nick Offerman, Chris Pratt and Aubrey Plaza also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from March 25-28, viewers gave “Summer Catalog” an 8.53/10.

Ratings:
4.473 million viewers | 2.0/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights

Other:
Summer Catalog | Tom’s Pick-Up Lines

Quotes:
Tom: Woo, Swiss Family Ron-minson, that hat is dope.

Tom: You mind if I rock that bad Larry on my dome?

Tom: Hi. I’m Tom, I have a raccoon on my head.

Tom: Are you a raccoon? Because you’ve been running around my hat all day–head all day.

Tom: Girl, you’re more precious than Precious.

Donna: Yes I am a hunter. And it’s “you” season.

Tom: Damn, girl. Your hotness killed my raccoon.

Tom: I have a raccoon hat. I’m an interesting person. Hello!

Ron: Leslie, my first wife Tammy tried throwing me a surprise birthday party . When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops and told them people had broken into my home. I’m not big on surprises.

Leslie: It’s the biggest catalog of the year. Think of the September issue of Vogue, but it’s more important to Pawnee. Mainly because we don’t get Vogue here.

Tom: Centerfold, always the best part. Am I right, Justin? Damn, you broke up six weeks ago.

Leslie: Guys, I don’t know if I made it clear, but I don’t want any sex offenders in our parks catalog.

April: Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Tom: I TiVo through shows to get to the ads. I. Love. Ads.

Leslie: That child looks like it’s abandoned. So, basically, boo.

Tom: What is he thinking?
April: Why is my cup so tiny?

April: I used to play softball in high school.
Andy: Shut up, I played baseball in high school.
April: Shut up.
Andy: Yeah, that’s like the boy version of softball.

Andy: April threw the smoked salmon on the roof. I’m sorry.

Tom: Look at you two. Ann Perkins. Mark Brendanawicz. Anndanawicz. Or, Merkins. No, Anndanawicz.

Andy: Sweater swap! She noticed, you were right.

Leslie: I love parks. I don’t know if that’s something I’ve communicated before. So, having a picnic with all the former living parks department directors? Guess who just checked something off her bucket list!

Leslie: When I saw parks, you say department. Parks… Parks…
Andy: Apartment!

Ron: I’m starving. I only had one breakfast.

Leslie: Well, don’t be such a baby. I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.
Ron: I ate it already.
Leslie: What?
Ron: I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car. And now it’s gone and I hate everything.

Tom: Ann, can you give me something, anything in the face?

Tom: Do what Mark’s doing! He’s doing great! Keep slithering.
Mark: I’m not doing anything, so.

Clarence: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Women need a lot of blood to flow through to their baby centers, which leaves less to the brain, you see?

April: How about, “Life is a Picnic with You”?
Andy: Oh, that could be about a girl. Or Peyton Manning.

Leslie: Well, David, I think we’ve talked enough.

Tom: Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I’m not sure which one is the insult.

Tom: Hey, if there’s anyone out there that’s doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann’s phone number.

Tom: Bobby, I love how you work. You can have as many juice boxes as you want. In fact, grab me one too. Make it an apple.

Tom: In a million years, I never thought you’d be the problem with this photo shoot.
Ann: Didn’t you just plan this like two hours ago?

Tom: We need to do something to distract from this… boring area. Now I didn’t want to have to do this but we may have to go nude.
Ann: Goodbye, Tom.

Clarence: You really shouldn’t be leading us. If you’re menstruating, you’ll attract bears.

Ron: I’m sorry, I can’t hear hippies.

April: I’m an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

Clarence: Uh oh. Your little friend come to visit?

April: I tried to Photoshop it to make it look like they were happy. It was really hard. Their mouths are so old.

April: Would you like these men in your catalog?
Leslie: Oh my god, April, that’s disgusting.
April: What? Look how generous they are being with each other.

Ron: Good god, I don’t remember this.
Leslie: That’s the wrong one. The real one’s very bad as well.

Leslie: So, goodbye distilled wisdom of 50 years of experience. Hello, disgusting fragrance flap.

Leslie: I really made love to the pooch on this one.
Ron: Screwed the pooch?
Leslie: I don’t like that term. It’s too vulgar.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Ron: That guy made a water pipe out of a stuffed raccoon.

Leslie: Nice shot!
Ron: Right in Clarence’s ancient junk.

Leslie: Oh, in the neck!

Writer: Aisha Muharrar | Director: Michael Trim

Summary: LESLIE LEAPS INTO ACTION WHEN JERRY IS MUGGED IN A PARK-ANDY SAMBERG (”SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”) GUEST STARS-After Jerry (Jim O’Heir) gets mugged by a bunch of kids, Leslie (Amy Poehler) meets with the head park ranger (guest star Andy Samberg) in hopes of improving park safety. Meanwhile, everyone tries to be nicer to Jerry once he returns to the office. Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider, Aziz Ansari, Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from March 18-21, viewers gave “Park Safety” an 8.81/10.

Ratings:
4.70 million viewers | 2.0/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Interviews | Clips | Deleted Scenes | Highlights | Citizen Video

Other:
Photos | Ron’s Self-Defense Tips

Knope Knows Q&A:
Aisha Muharrar

Quotes:
Leslie: Scientifically hummingbirds are the world’s cutest animals. I mean they’re so small, they have tiny beaks and they only eat sugar water. I mean what beats that? Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah, they do. Baby monkeys in diapers are cutest.

Leslie: No, I always write my own name. But, just to be safe I do add 20 extra Jerrys.

April: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD’d.
Leslie: No, that’s Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn’t OD; his drummer shot him.
April: Oh.

Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April: Oh sorry guys, sorry I’m late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed ’cause I’m Jerry.

Ron: A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.

Leslie: OK, OK, guys that’s enough. Unless somebody has another good one.

Leslie: Jerry, Jerry, are you OK? Ann, is Jerry OK? What’s wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what’s wrong with Jerry’s arm. Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

Jerry: …I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

Ron: There’s no shame in attacking a criminal’s beanbag.

Jerry: No, I just curled up and laid still until they left.
Ron: Well, that’s another way to play it.

Jerry: I didn’t get a good look.
Leslie: Damn it, Jerry! Sorry, you’re the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

April: Yeah that’s how pathetic Jerry is. He can’t even get karma right.

Leslie: Jerry’s face is the symbol of failure. Our failure. To keep the parks safe.

Leslie: I have some folders. Inside are some assignments. And, some homemade taffy.

April: So when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right?

Andy: Hey, while I have you here, what do you think of this? Scrotation marks.
Ann: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but my gut says no.

Ann: I always had fun with Andy. The problem is when you’re his girlfriend, you’re also his mother, and his maid, and his nurse. He’s completely helpless. He’s like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooo, baby in a straightjacket, that’s a good band name. I should tell him that.

Tom: He needs a lot of support.
Leslie: Tom.
Tom: Talking about a bra for a man.

Tom: You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana?
Jerry: My wife and I have a timeshare.
Tom: In Muncie?!
Leslie: Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Jerry: Anyway, hunting and fishing season is winding down, OK? And we all know that it is already closed season on twout. So now–I said twout instead of trout.
Donna: It happens to everyone.
Jerry: My marbles are full of mouth today.

Carl: Leslie, have you seen Avatar? I never saw Avatar. I wanted to read the book first, but then I realized that there’s no book version of Avatar. What’d you guys do for St. Patty’s Day? I was wearing this T-shirt that said, “Kiss Me I’m Irish.” But no one would kiss me.

Carl: Oh you think you know how to do my job? You might not be so confident once you’ve walked a mile in my size 7s.
Leslie: Kinda small feet.
Tom: Actually 7 is the worldwide average.
Carl: Boom!

Andy: Ron, do you think maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way I can show everyone how to escape a pervert.
Mark: In the scenario you just laid out, you’re the pervert. You understand that right?
Andy: You wish.

Ann: I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. There was this one, “How Far is Too Far Enough: The Terry Palaver Lonagan Story.” This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her. And he hid in her house, and then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. Also, her daughter was having sex way too young. So yeah, free self defense class? I’m there.

Carl: After that I’m going to show you this log I found. It’s got like 50 worms on it. I call it worm log.

Carl: Yeah I’ve always been a bit of an outdoorsman. When I was a kid, my parents used to make me hang out in the backyard a lot and just run around ’til I got tired. But if there’s any criminals out there watching, I never get tired. And ladies too.

Tom: This thing is a mess.
Carl: We used to have three cars actually. The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids. The second one raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. And the third one was recently stolen.
Tom: What’s this one?
Carl: This is the second one. The raccoon piss one.

Carl: You know, I think we’ve got too much weight.
Leslie: Oh, that’s Tom probably.
Tom: Are you serious?

Carl: Up here on the left is one of our most beautiful grass fields. It’s primarily grass.

Ron: Now, when your arms are pinned to your sides, use your legs to break free instead of neck, like what Andy’s trying to do.

Carl: There’s been 10 assaults already this year.
Leslie: Wow, really? Can’t you station a park ranger out here?
Carl: We have! Who do you think they’re assaulting? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.

Leslie: One way or another I’m going to get money, so that you can protect Jerry and all the other helpless, pathetic people in this town.

Ann: OK, what day is it today?
Andy: I don’t know.
April: K, but to be fair you never know.

Leslie: This is my co-worker Jerry Gergich. Diabetic. Slothfully out of shape. Friend. He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park. Who’s next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular co-worker?

Joan: So what is the solution to fix this? To make it right, and not bad?

Leslie: And Pawnee, I am sorry to say this, but your government is failing you.

Joan: Up next, 10 objects you didn’t know you can eat.

Paul: Make sure you bring the doofus who got his ass kicked.
Leslie: I don’t know who you’re referring to. We treat everyone with respect around here… OK.

Leslie: I’m going to speak for Jerry. He can’t talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma.

Jerry: I was on my way to feed the hummingbirds, and I stopped for a breakfast burrito.
Leslie: Farting.

Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.
Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Andy: Oh, hey! Ann Perkins in the shoes shouse!

Andy: I got you one of those veggie muffins you’re always eating. Tastes like a rug.

Carl: Oh, this is my favorite part. Not willing to share with a dog.

Leslie: OK, look. I have a proposition for you.
Carl: Fine I’ll have sex with you in exchange for the tape.

Carl: I came on today because I have some very important information to share. I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype.

Joan: That segment was a disaster. Don’t you ever [expletive] me like that again. This is Pawnee [expletive] Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on his hinders for you?

Leslie: This is the only copy, and I’m going to destroy it. Right after I watch it one more time. I’m sorry but it is so, good.

Tom: Hey, Jerry? April was just double checking the lunch order. Do you want the salmon or the twout?

Writer: Mike Scully | Director: Tristram Shapeero

Summary: A PESKY POSSUM REEKS HAVOC ON A LOCAL GOLF COURSE-When a possum bites the mayor’s dog on a golf course, Leslie (Amy Poehler) is asked to form a task force to catch the pesky animal. Meanwhile, Ron (Nick Offerman) is upset when Mark (Paul Schneider) refuses to bend the rules for him. Aziz Ansari, Chris Pratt, Aubrey Plaza, and Rashida Jones also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from March 11-14, viewers gave “The Possum” an 8.58/10.

Ratings:
4.608 million viewers | 2.1/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights

Other:
Photos | Find-A-Pest Game | Ron’s Workshop Signs

Quotes:
Tom: Happy belated Valentine’s Day.
Ann: Valentine’s Day was a month ago. Why are you giving it to me now?
Tom: Whatever. Happy early Valentine’s Day.

Ann: OK, this is one of those nanny cam teddy bears, isn’t it?
Tom: What? No, it’s a regular camera-less teddy bear. Just put it in your bedroom. Don’t even think about it.

Tom: It’s a robot bear. It’s programmed to snuggle.

Donna: I’ll take it.
Ann: Donna, there’s a camera in it.
Donna: I know.

Ann: Here are the keys. And remember–
April: I know. Don’t let Tom make a copy.

Ann: I’m paying April fifty bucks to watch my house while I’m away. I would have asked Leslie but I’ve seen the way she takes care of her house.

Leslie: Oh, hello! I’ve always dreamed of you.
Evelyn: Excuse me?
Leslie: Meeting you.

Leslie: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he’s actually number three on the Parks Department’s most wanted pest list, right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.

Evelyn: Let’s be honest. Animal control is not the most effective branch of our government.
Leslie: They’re a bunch of burned-out morons.

Leslie: Ma’am, the next we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.
Evelyn: Great.

Leslie: Ron will show you around.
Ron: Um, right this way is the exit.

Andy: You always know what to bring me.
April: I only ever bring you coffee.
Andy: And it is my very favorite, non-alcoholic hot drink. Except for hot tea. And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

April: Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls Shoeshine Head. It’s when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers and napping on the floor.

Leslie: Eugene! Boy, we have a really important job for you.
Eugene: We’ll get to it first thing Monday.
Leslie: Today’s Wednesday.

Andy: We’re acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson’s dog.
Leslie: Office.

Leslie: Excuse us. Task force coming through. Task force clear. Resume golfing.

Tom: I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.

Ron: Hey, Mark. Welcome to my haven. You’re the first non-me to set foot in this building in 10 years.

Mark: Ron, none of this is up to code.
Ron: Sure it is. It’s up to the Swanson code.

Mark: You’ve got hazardous chemicals over here.
Ron: Yeah, which only I am breathing. It’s the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?

Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags above a woodburning stove.

Ron: Those dates are arbitrary. They’re like those expiration dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.

Ron: OK, I’ll replace this. Happy?

Tom: How long do you think it will take me to learn golf, Leslie?
Leslie: I could teach you. I have a 16 handicap. But, you know, it takes a lot of practice. You have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.
Tom: Yeah I don’t want to do all that. I’d say I just want some of those dope pants.

Ron: Come on, Brendanawicz, relax. Let me make you a canoe.

Leslie: I had a great task force. I was just the simple mastermind who planned the whole operation and executed it to perfection.

Evelyn: Mr. Dwyer.
Andy: Please, my friends call me Andy. Radical.
Tom: No, we don’t.

Andy: By day. Andy Dwyer, shoeshinist. By different time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night? Do whatever I want, no job.

Leslie: What time do you usually go to sleep because my best ideas usually come to me at night?
Evelyn: Let’s stick to business hours, shall we?

Leslie: Am I sure the possum we caught is Fairway Frank? Yes. Am I quite sure? No. Am I sure enough? Maybe. If it wasn’t Fairway Frank, would I feel badly? Of course. Could I live with myself? That depends. As a city official it’s important that I ask myself a lot of questions. Does doing so help me make decisions? Uh…

Leslie: Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep from the Pawnee Journal?
Andy: How could I forget? You wrote the article when I fell in the pit and then afterwards had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.

Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you’re in a situation, you don’t have time to think. So I thought to myself, “Don’t think, Andy. Act.”
Tom: So, you weren’t thinking?
Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Shauna: Were you scared?
Andy: No, no I wasn’t. Well I lived in the pit for the better part of last year and made some vermin friends. You know what? Friends sounds stupid. Colleagues. They are bad at sharing, but they are good at tag.

Andy: I broke up with Ann. Yeah. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn’t be together anymore.

Andy: Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.

Tom: Seriously, man. When you wear these clothes you just feel better than everyone else. You know?

Ron: I understand that city codes exist. And I know why they exist. And I understand that you enforce them.
Mark: OK.
Ron: OK, good talk. Can you sign off on my plans now?

Tom: Ooo, Tommy needs a banana. You guys good?

Tom: Ooo, silly me. There was this little pom pom on my glove and it fell off. Have you seen it?

Andy [singing]: Fairway Frank you’re donna die, you’re gonna fry oh yeah. You guilty son of a bitch, you’re gonna fry when they flip that switch.

Leslie: OK, hypothetically if you’re going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale, you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, “What?” But then you thought, “Maybe it’s not a whale. Maybe it’s a big fish, maybe it’s a submarine with a face painted on it.” The point is if I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?

April: You’re telling me he might not be a hero but just some jerk that goes around tackling possums?

April: No, I’ve gotta help Leslie find the truth. Not because I’m pissed at Andy, which I’m not. Because I care so deeply about possums. ‘Cause they’re so adorable.

Andy: April, did you see my photo shoot? I think I nailed it. I fell off the stool once when I was trying to look serious. But I’m OK.

Andy: Man, our happy reactions are super different.

Leslie: Look, I have an idea. I’m going to distract everybody, and then you get that possum out of here. Can you do that, April? April, can you do that? Can you get the possum out of here. Can you sneak it out of here? April, can you do it? Can you do it? Please, April, tell me you can do it.
April: Yes. Yes I can do it! God.

Leslie: I can’t kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can’t let the possum go because it might be guilty. Can’t make a good soup, can’t do a handstand in a pool, can’t spell the word lieutenant. There’s a lot of “can’ts” in my life right now.

Harris: Let’s make it happen, cap’n.
Brett: Don’t call me that.

April: Do you know them?

Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it’s a possum. And the sooner it’s dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
Leslie: Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?

Evelyn: He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.
Leslie: Ew.

Evelyn: Now where is the possum?
Leslie: I’m sorry but he’s somewhere you’ll never find it. And he’s gonna stay there until the truth comes out. And I will not reveal his location, no matter how much you ask me. But I’m going to stop talking now because I’m afraid I may accidentally say where it is. So please go.

April: Tom, it’s April. I’m at Ann’s house and the possum’s loose, OK? I need your help. Oh my god it’s chewing on everything. Don’t tell Leslie!
Tom: You got it. Possum got loose at Ann’s house.
Leslie: Oh my god!

April: But it won’t leave the house. It must love tacky pictures of flowers.

Ron: No, I’m bringing my workshop up to the Swanson code. And if the Swanson code happens to overlap with the city government code–
Mark: Shut up!

Leslie: I know there’s a door there, but I kinda feel like it’s gonna chew through the door and come and jump on my face and bite me.

Andy: Yo. So I feel like you were mad at me yesterday and I don’t know why so I made a list of everything I did and I’m going to try not to do any of them again.

Evelyn: Well, Ms. Knope. I have to say I’m very disappointed.
Leslie: You didn’t have to say that. You could have just thought it.

Evelyn: What did you do with the possum exactly?
Leslie: Well, I’m proud to say that it’s somewhere the mayor can never pee on it.

Leslie: When I retire, and I’m attending some gala honoring the first three female presidents in history, myself and two other women I have inspired, I want to be looking back at my distinguished legacy and not thinking that I owe my career to some possum. And I want to be wearing a huge beautiful blue hat!

Leslie: Possum, there was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.
Ann: What?
Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I’m so sorry, it’s our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, OK? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!

Writer: Norm Hiscock | Director: Jason Woliner

Summary: RON SWANSON WINS “WOMAN OF THE YEAR”-Leslie (Amy Poehler) is outraged when Ron (Nick Offerman) wins a “Woman of the Year” award for a project she started. Meanwhile, Tom (Aziz Ansari) is desperate to find some money to invest in a local Pawnee club. Paul Schneider, Chris Pratt and Aubrey Plaza also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from March 4-7, viewers gave “Woman of the Year” an 8.29/10.

Ratings:
4.607 million viewers | 2.3/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights | Tom’s PowerPoint Presentation

Other:
The Snakehole Lounge Website

Quotes:
Leslie: Wow. Excellent role modeling.

Leslie: Every child has the right to play, no matter how boring the sport.

Leslie: And that, little lady, is a Leslie Knope promise.
Boy: I’m a boy.
Leslie: Good, yeah ’cause I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to you. You’re a girl right?
Girl: Yeah.
Leslie: Yep. She.

April: Jerry, you got soup all over our mail. Jerk.

Leslie: Winning is every girl’s dream. But it’s my destiny. And my dream.

Leslie: Where my ladies at?

Leslie: They only honor women. And Ron’s the opposite of a woman.

April: You’re, um, Pawnee’s Woman of the Year it looks like.
Ron: Oh, it’s about time.

Ron: Awards are stupid, which is why I fully intend to decline this nonsense and recommend it go to Leslie because she works really hard and I don’t. However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can’t pass up this opportunity to tease her about it.

Tom: I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word bistro is classy as [expletive].

Tom: I agree. That’s why I got in to public service. To help me.

Leslie: Why would Ron start a camp for troubled girls?
Mark: He wouldn’t.
Leslie: Exactly.

Leslie: I already started a list. Write an e-mail to Barack Obama. Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice. That’s all I have so far.

Jean-Ralphio: Big T, what is do nephew?

Jean-Ralphio: No way. Yesterday if you would have asked me, I would have said no. But thank god my grandfather just died so I am a-flushed with cash.
Tom: Awesome. I have four thousand bucks. All I need you to do is kick in six Gs, and then you and I are part-owners of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. Also, sorry about your grandpa.
Jean-Ralphio: No worries, he was a dick.

Tom: What about your trust fund?
Jean-Ralphio: My parents had it amended. I don’t get anything until I’m 50, which is a waste because I’m going to be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then. Eatin’ dolphin and hangin’ out with lady singers.

Jean-Ralphio: Do you wanna come home with me?
April: Don’t you work at Lady Footlocker?

Mouse Rat Guitarist: Look, if you’re not going to pay rent, at least clean up your dishes.
Andy: Uhhhhhhhhh, is that all?
Mouse Rat Guitarist: No. Also the bag of smells was a fun experiment, but it has to stop.
Andy: Come on, no. I’m finally starting to get serious results.

April: Is Mouse Rat going to break up?
Andy: Well, we’re not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackled Shaft.

Andy: April, you’re like an angel with no wings.
April: So like a person.

Ron: Be proud of yourself. You deserve an award. Not this one, obviously. This one belongs to me. But some other one. Some other lesser award.

Tom: This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose room F. When? 3 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

Ron: No, this portrait is not official in any way. I’m paying for it myself.

Ron: Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait? A pot? Or this deputy director Barbie? Isn’t it adorable? She’s got a little briefcase, her cell phone. [imitates Barbie] I’m going to help my boss win an award.

Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I’ve won an award.

Andy: I’ve always wanted a doorman, named Ernie. That would be awesome. Or Kip. I’m pretty flexible on that.

April: Here’s a great one. It’s a Tudor mansion. It’s got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It’s got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage.
Andy: What?
April: And it’s only $20,000 a month. And it’s in Chicago.
Andy: Ahh, that close. It was almost perfect.

Tom: I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?
Jerry: Yes. Both.
Tom: Anybody? No? Alright.

Jerry: Are these real people?

Tom: Mark, I’m talking to you. Donna, I’m talking to you. Jerry, I’m talking to you.

Ron: I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I’m not sexist. I love powerful women.
Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Leslie: Dorothy Everton Smythe was a trailblazing feminist. She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday. She spent four years in jail for that.

Andy: I like it. It seems to have a lot of potential and a lot of advantages per se. I can definitely picture myself doing something over there. Do you hear that? What is that?
Real Estate Agent: Oh it’s still on.
Andy: You can light a match to get rid of that smell.

Andy: Are you serious? The scream just got louder.

Real Estate Agent: So what do you think?
Andy: I dunno. Make me an offer.

Jerry: If I spend any more than twenty-five bucks I gotta ask my wife.
Tom: Jerry, get out.

Tom: [imitates Ann] Mark, what are we doing tonight? [imitates Mark] Oh, I don’t know, Ann. We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad with some crackers or watch some pay per view. Or, we could go to my nightclub and do some dancin’.
Mark: I don’t think so, man.
Tom: You’d never have to beg for sex again.

Donna: I like the Snakehole, Plus I would look good pulling into my owner’s parking space in my Mercedes.

Ron: That’s what I called you to talk about. I don’t know if I can take all the excitement. So, I think the award should go to Miss Knope here.

Elise: But, if you give a women’s award to a mustacheoed, masculine man such as yourself, well then eventually people take notice.
Ron: I don’t want the damn thing.
Elise: Well we’re giving it to you. So, you’re going to take it, like a man. So congratulations.

Leslie: The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson. Oh my god what is happening?

Leslie: I want you to rip awards a new a-hole.

Leslie: I’m gonna push my punches as far as my fists can extend.
Ron: That a girl! Kind of.

Jean-Ralphio: Let’s seal this devil’s three-way right here, right now. Step one, we buy into this club. Step two, we roll over to the club either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce now all the ladies sayin’ bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. What do you say, sexy?
Donna: I’m out.
Tom: Why?
Donna: I hate that guy.

Elise: Mr. Swanson, welcome to the IOW Awards and congratulations on winning.
Ron: Yay.

Ron: Work on the speech. Let’s nail these women. You know what I mean.

Tom: All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweatsuits and cologne called Tommy Fresh and I fell a thousand dollars short.

Andy: I’m a singer-songwriter. The two lines I’ve put in every song I’ve ever sang: spread your wings and fly and you deserve to be a champion.

Writer: Michael Schur | Director: Ken Kwapis

Summary: LESLIE AND JUSTIN REUNITE LONG LOST LOVE-JUSTIN THEROUX (”JOHN ADAMS,” “TROPIC THUNDER”) JOHN LARROQUETTE (”BOSTON LEGAL”) AND PAMELA REED (”JERICHO”) GUEST STAR-When Leslie (Amy Poehler) hears her mom’s (guest star Pamela Reed) story about an old flame (John Larroquette), she and her boyfriend Justin (guest star Justin Theroux) track him down and reunite them on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, Andy (Chris Pratt) and his band are nervous about playing a gig at the Senior Center. Leslie and Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, Chris Pratt and Aubrey Plaza guest stars.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from February 11-14, viewers gave “Galentine’s Day” an 8.97/10.

Ratings:
4.979 million viewers | 2.3/6 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights

Other:
Photos

Quotes:
Leslie: If you look inside your bags you will find a few things. A bouquet of hand crocheted flower pens, a mosaic portrait of each of you made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda and a personalized 5,000-word essay of why you are all so awesome.

Leslie: We just come and kick it breakfast style.

Leslie: It’s like Lilith Fair minus the angst. Plus frittatas.

Leslie: It’s the most romantic story ever. It makes The Notebook look like Saw V.

Leslie gasps
Ann: You’ve heard this story before, right?
Leslie: Yes, but the trauma…

Leslie: But if you find him and he’s weird, like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer or anyone who pretends toys are people, then abort the mission.

Mark: I knew, eventually, somehow being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

Ann: I bought him some actual towels. He was using a bathrobe. And I bought him some other things that humans usually use, like shampoo.

Tom: Are we talking a.m. or p.m.? Those people are old. Am I right, Justin? Uh, Justin’s not here.

Leslie: Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice, jury’s still out on you two, and Jerry, who knows?
Jerry: I’ve been happily married for 28 years. You’ve met my wife, Gail, many times.
Leslie: Whatever.

Leslie: Yeah, too bad you got drafted. (JFK voice) Ask not what your old people could do for you, ask what you could do for your old people.

Leslie: Where am I going?

Tom: You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

Tom: But think about how much better our friendship would be, if we added, doing it.

Andy: I just wrote a new song, OK? Bottom line: it’s called “sex hair.” It’s about how you can tell when someone just had sex ’cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back. It’s awesome.

Andy: Kyle, I’m gonna lose my shit on you if you ask me one more time.

Ron: You’re asking my permission to take a nooner?

Ron: So it is a nooner?
Leslie: Well, we’re planning to leave around noon. So I’m not quite sure–

Justin: Pick you up tomorrow around noon.
Leslie: For our nooner, which is a cute word!
Ron: Explain it to her later.
Leslie: Explain what?

Ann: I love bears and bags.

Ann: Yearning, by Dennis Feinstein. Mmm ooo Dennis nooo. No Dennis.

Leslie: Will I call him dad, then? No, that’d be too much. Maybe I’ll call him Pappy? Pop? Poppy? Pa-Pa? Look at me, I’m gettin’ ahead of myself.

Leslie: I’m gonna call him Poo-Pa.

Leslie: Or, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Oh, Jen. I really want you to be happy. Stay away from John Mayer!

Leslie: Oh, no, Poo-Pa. Poo-Pa no.

Frank: No, never did. Oh though I did once act as my own lawyer.

Frank: Such firm breasts. Oh, that was inappropriate.

Frank: I’m gonna throw up, real quick, and then we can leave.

Derek: Because old people are funny.
Ben: Yeah, it’ll be like the Golden Girls.

Frank: Grenada, for awhile. Then Panama. Then Afghanistan.
Leslie: So, you were in the military.
Frank: Nope.

Andy: Uh, I mean that sucked. Didn’t it?
Band mate: Maybe if you sang it like Louie Armstrong?
Andy: Maybe, yeah. I mean here’s the thing though: Who is that?

Andy: My problem is I don’t know how to tell if we’re doing good, because when you play a rock show, it’s really easy to know if you’re doing great because chicks will flash their boobs at you. When you’re up on stage. And you’re like, “That musta sounded pretty good.” But I can’t, if that happens here my eyes will fall out of my head and I’ll die.

Leslie: It’s a long story. One that we’d love to tell you over a cup of coffee somewhere far from this place.

Wendy: You’re suing me for alimony?
Tom: Yes. When we were married I got accustomed to a certain lifestyle and I’m entitled to money to maintain that lifestyle.

April: Hey, break’s over.
Andy: Ludgate, crackin’ the whip.

Frank: Well, it’s been an interesting ride. I got a job at a grocery store, right out of college. Just for a way to make money. Here I am, 40 years later, completely unemployed.

Frank: I’m as serious as a heart attack. Of which I’ve had four.

April: God, why does everything we do have to be cloaked in like 15 layers of irony?

April: Fine, then I’ll make out with Ben.
Ben: Pass.

Old Woman #1: I told you so. It’s Duke Silver.
Old Woman #2: Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music.
Ron: You’re mistaken, ladies. Move along.

Andy: Wait, who’s Dean Martin?

Andy: if I’m not mistaken that was the old lady version of flashing. Nailed the gig.

Tom: Can we still go suit shopping?

Justin: Let me get you a pocket square.

Writer: Alan Yang | Director: Dean Holland

Summary: LESLIE FIGHTS FOR HEALTH– JUSTIN THEROUX (JOHN ADAMS, TROPIC THUNDER) GUEST STARS-The Parks Department forms a partnership with a local company to sell energy bars at the parks in Pawnee, but Leslie (Amy Poehler) tries to stop the deal when she discovers how unhealthy the snacks are. Mark (Paul Schneider) reluctantly agrees to help Tom (Aziz Ansari) move out of his house. Nick Offerman, Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt also star.

Poll:
In a poll conducted on Knope Knows from February 4-7, viewers gave “Sweetums” a 9.14/10.

Ratings:
4.877 million viewers | 2.3/7 A18-49 | Source

Videos:
Promos | Deleted Scenes | Highlights | Faux Sweetums Advertisements

Knope Knows Q&A:
Alan Yang

Quotes:
Tom: Who am I suppose to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day.

Tom: Justin’s my savior. He’s like an issue of GQ that’s come to life.

Leslie: You look like Encyclopedia Brown.

Tom: Sequins… minus the gloves.

Tom: Hey, what’s up? I’m Tom. Is my shirt lighting up ’cause I didn’t even notice.

Tom: Eagle medallion. Caw caw.

Leslie: Wow, that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they’re all wearing vests.

Nick Newport, Jr.: We don’t make Nutriyums for dogs… yet.

Ron: I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

Tom: Brendanawicz. Quick question: Do you personally know Xzibit because I was checking out that pick up truck of your’s and that ride is pimp.

Mark: I’m totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so yes.

Andy: Can I help you move? I’m really good at it. Afterwards I’ll take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.

Tom: Really? ‘Cause an hour ago you told me you’d rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Andy: I think that that’s really really sweet that your grandparents still make love.

Leslie: It comes in handy. And on the back it teaches you how to play Black Jack.

Ron: Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his cornflakes.

Leslie: The dealer really has an advantage. That’s what I get the most from this.

Ron: After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this mall harp, using a bandsaw, a spokeshave and an oscillating spindle sander.

Leslie: I feel like I’m in a spa.

Mark: I’m not a mover. I’m a sap who owns a truck.

April: Oh my god, they’re amazing.
Jerry: They’re more than amazing. They are terrific.
April: Terrific’s not more than amazing, Jerry.
Jerry: No? Well, it’s not less.

Donna: Everything Sweetums makes is off the charts. I like their candy fingernails.

Andy: Yeah, they actually have rice in them, so…
Donna: Hmm, Andy. You’re fine but you’re simple.

Ann: Holy god, no, they’re not. They’re terrible for you.
Leslie: No they’re not. There’s a picture of Lance Armstrong on there.

Ann: The kids here are beefy. They’re just husky, big boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call ‘em like I see ‘em.

Marcie: Leslie! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It’s a movie.
Leslie: You’re pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet.

Marcie: Hmm, you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called Mysteries of the Female Orgasm!
Leslie: No I don’t!

Leslie: Punk ass book jockeys!

Leslie: Paul, can you and I have a sidebar?

Tom: That’s the Canadian version. Twenty-two extra minutes. And there’s a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialogue.

Tom: It’s a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet slash home fitness center.

Mark: What is that?
Tom: Oh. I strapped an mp3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. Call ‘em DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music.

Tom: DJ Roomba, tearing it up!

Ron: The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.

Resident #1: If sugar’s so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?

Resident #2: But isn’t all food bad for you? I’ve been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Resident #3: What’s so bad about corn syrup? It’s natural. Corn’s a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.
Ann: Oh boy.

Resident #4: Well, the point is my friend think’s you’re cute. Give me your number so he can have it.

Resident #4: Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.

Tom: Yeah, I’d like to place an order for one pad thai chicken. And, uh, no scallions on it please. Just for one person, yeah, just one.

Donna: Uh uh, that’s it. My baby has a delicate suspension.

Andy: Hey, what’s up guys? You come to help Tom move too? Too late! We already almost got all of it.

Tom: Why don’t you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you’re from Canada. And sausage, cause I’m brown and spicy.

Leslie: Denver, you little son of a bitch.

Tom: I built him myself. He was like a son to me.

April: You know, for a gay couple you guys are being really gay.

Ron: I call this turf and turf.

Leslie: The first line, by the way: Oh captain, my captain. Ron Swanson, a swan song. Yeah. It gets better from there!

Tom: Jerry! Jerry! This is the ghost of DJ Roomba. Why did you kill me? I’m gonna haunt you, Jerry. I’m gonna follow you and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop.